I am not happy.

Although the sore throat/flu/fever has gone, I still feel sick.

There are so many things I wanna say but I can't.
Some relative told me that another relative's relative's friend committed suicide recently. I dunno what went wrong. but they say she has depression.


Make me think that life is not worth living at all.
and makes me feel that I should just take all my cough mixture, flu pills, panadol like pills, digestion pill, and some old pills for depression all together.
-only problem, I don't know how to swallow pills!
gah.

want to die also so difficult!!!



Wait. you're just gonna take this as a pinch of salt? some rubbish?
honestly. I really wanted to die 29 seconds ago.
wait I'm lying. I don't know the actual timing.


Don't need to tell me everyone has problems, because I know.
Don't need to tell there's a solution to every problem, because I've heard that too.
Don't need to tell me anything. I don't want to hear anything now.


I just want to sit one place and cry cry cry my heart out. but I can't do that without making noise and I don't want my parents to know I'm hurt.

don't talk about my boyfriend I don't want him dragged into this.
He can calm me for a while but can he calm me for a lifetime? can he be ard me 24/7?

I realise he can't.
I realise I have close friends either.
I realise I have no friends to share secret with too.
I realise ppl don't like me.
ppl dun welcome me.
ppl don't give a damn about me.

My heart is in pain.
okok. last confirmed it's my tummy and not my heart.
but I still feel really stuffy inside.

I feel like running away but where can I run to? and what's the use?
Thoughts of suicide become a daily thing.
It's scary.


I don't know when will I suddenly decide to carry out my thoughts.
I don't know when will I decide to run to the middle of the road and let some vehicle run over me.
I don't know when will I decide to pound many many pills and take them in orange drink just the way I did before.
I don't know when will I suddenly decide to jump down the building.
I just learn a new way, take detergent. and I think some of my cheap beauty products smells quite good too.


I've already started the few days of pig out, few days of little food.
I can't control. I just feel like abusing myself. I just feel like ..
I don't know lah.
don't ask me lah.