It's no longer the same.

We were once "sisters" now we are barely talking to each other.

Why?
Was it my fault?
Did I not put in enough effort?


Things will never be the same again.
We're no longer who we used to be.
The laughter, the tears. No longer the same.
Everything seems to be only "surface-work" and it's really hurtful.


Many nights, I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking if she dumped me or did I dumped her?
Somehow it hit me. If our relationship was deep in the first place, this wouldn't even happen. The relationship between her other friends and her, runs deep. real deep. even if they make her sad or misplace her trust, she'll still forgive them.


Even when I thought we were close, I felt like an extra.

All these years that I've known her, I never told her how I feel.
Because I know it doesn't matter to her.
Because I know I don't matter to her.
Because I know even if I'm next to her, her heart will always be on someone else.

So many times I want to tell her I'm very hurt by her actions/words.
but I just kept quiet, hoping one day she'll realise that I'm not happy being treated like substitute or something.


I hate the you're my friend but you're not good enough to be my best friend feeling.


Which is why I didn't turn up for her birthday party.

I don't want her to worry for me and I don't want to feel left out.
That's me. silly I know.
I know she still hates me for not going to some of the events she organised, but honestly I hate to be left out. and I don't know how other way could I "not feel left out".


I miss the times we could talk about anything and everything.
I met her some days back, and I'm sure nothing will ever be the same again.


Maybe she doesn't even read my blog anymore.
but it doesn't matter. does it?

I'm still desperately hoping that one day I can grow up and also grow some courage to tell her how I feel, face to face.