it's coming..

One moment I feel hurt, and then the next I feel sad/pity for another person and then I feel angry and hurt again...
I think I'm going to lose it again...
I hate this depressive feeling. Like I'm going to breakdown soon. and when it comes, it's gonna be a huge one!


I know the "symptoms".
I even know the cause this time.
I may seem fine, but only I know, I'm not.

I can joke with you and laugh with you but do you know how much hate/hurt I have inside?
Seriously.
It's coming again.
The breakdown.
I'm hoping its not as bad as the previous one. I hope I don't have to go hospital again. I hope my loved ones will support me like they did the previous time. I hope no one gives up on me. I hope I don't give up on myself.

You know it's coming when I try to distant myself, trying to make you "go away'.
You know it when I'm suddenly super angry.
When I suddenly stop crying, say nothing and I hurt myself.

It's coming! It's coming!