Wednesday, October 24, 2007

If only I wasn't this young. (3rd party)

Dearest baby,
Thought of what happened recently and felt really bad. Hurt the both of you at the same time. how smart right? (if you can't sense, yes it's sarcasm). I love you and yes to a certain extend I still like him. He's my "brother", you're my husband-to-be, what was I thinking???


You warned me not to let the cat out, unless I want all my friends/relatives/readers to leave me. But I feel really bad inside. Like something's punching my organs inside and it hurts (I've not really been punched before, so this is really just me trying to tell you I'm in pain, in a more "descriptive manner". *sticks out tongue*). When both of you "fight", I almost died from the pain. So many misunderstandings, so much pain later, I wish I wasn't this young.


We both knew how playful and curious I can be. None of us thought this would ever happen. I was just some “不起眼”person, no one even care to take a second glance at. He did and I fell for it. He's so much like you and I used him as your "sub" when you're not around. Thinking back, I felt super stupid and really hope I wasn't this young.


3years plus, wasn't short, why did I still do wrong? We talked about this about 2 years back, about how I thought I was still young. Now I'm 19 and I still feel young. I still feel like I've not seen the world yet. I told you I don't want you to go unless you want to. You replied with, you are willing to let go if only he befits me.


He's as old as you are (hee.. 27 very old to me lah. :p). Married and has a 2year old son. He's a fairy good example of “男人不坏女人不爱”. Honestly I don't know why I did what I did. I know I'm more than just curious, I was crazy! even had thoughts of wanting to be with him and then keeping a diary so that I can write a "special" blog. But that didn't work out of cause.


I knew I couldn't keep anything from you. In fact I'm such a lousy secret-keeper. I told you everything, hoping that you'll scold me or leave me to die. At least I would have felt loads better. but you never did. You took short breaks and always talk to me so nicely.


If only I wasn't this young, I wouldn't have let him play with my feelings. You really didn't have to make me happy everytime he made me feel sad. Like I told you, I've found treasure, and that treasure is you. I've not seen anyone as gentle, caring and forgiving. By now, anyone reading my blog would have killed me if murder is not a crime.


Remember I kept telling you that he'll be gone soon. But why's October moving so bloody slowly??? Knowing that he "lied" to me, makes me super sad. I didn't even have to say anything and you knew I'm sad. You came by to shower me with loads of love and I'm loving every single moment of it. You explain my feelings, sounds kinda funny, but yes you actually know why I felt certain ways without me saying much. Sometimes I think you're really amazing.
(Wait, correction, you are always that amazing to me.)


I told you the other day, if I followed my heart and not my head, I would have died. Honestly, both of you told me to use my heart, but my heart no brain how to think? (-.-")


*okie, this is the shitty part, half of this entire blog post suddenly disappeared!! Since I'm trying to rewrite, the bottom halve might not flow that well already..*


Anyway, I know this blog post is super duper long. But I can't hold it anymore. I just have to blog it out. I feel damn stuffy inside, not being able to tell anyone, anything. But I know no mater how hard I try to explain, they wouldn't get me. No one, except you, understands me.


You know I always cry over tiny stuffs. I've become "dry" lately. I cry without tears leh! Interesting right? hahas. The girls hear me *sniffs* but seeing no/little tears, they think I'm alright. My heart is crying very loudly lah, but only you can hear from all the way in the west.


I can't wait for him to leave and never ever come back again. But my heart secretly still wants to see him. Sounds kinda stupid, I know. Like what I've told you, because of him, I actually wanted to avoid going to work. But my head (the brain) asked me, is it worth it? Plus, not everything is going well at work, things kept coming in, a number of files just cannot be found, RI have not been touched, closing is this Friday, too many cartons in the office and the girls kept hinting that they don't want to have lunch with me. argh.


I've already made up my mind about not contacting him after he leaves, but both of you think I can't do it. (why do you both agree on these kinds of stuffs?? -.-) We shall see, humph.


My God, I think I could have written a mini essay already. This post could easily be the longest most personal blog post on uglyfatchick.blogspot.com. It doesn't even matter, if after reading, everyone leaves me, avoids me, scolds me, throw rotten eggs at me (I'm not suggesting that lah!) or whatever. What matters most is, Will you still love me, even though I'm such a bitch I've made a grave mistake?


I want to record this down because I want to read back, a few years later and laugh at how stupid I am. If people want to leave comments, they are welcomed. I don't normally moderate comments, unless it's spam lah.

10 comments:

  1. well UFC, after reading ur mini-essay, I can sense that you are truly sry for what you have done and is very guilty towards ur husband-to-be. And it was also brave of you to admit to him instead of trying to keep it a secret. That takes a lot of courage.

    Nevertheless, what's done cannot be undone. Just make sure you dnt repeat the same mistake again and cherish your man from now on. I guess this will remain etched in his memory and nthg can be done to erase this incident. So nvr ever do something foolish again to remind him of this unhappy event.

    All the best to you..(",)

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  2. christina,cheer up k ? =)

    take caRe & best of luck to u..

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  3. Been there. Done that. I totally know how you feel now.

    Email me if you need someone to talk.

    And nope, I wont look at you differently. =)

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  4. Donny the passerby.October 25, 2007 at 7:46 AM

    I can't really sense your sincerity to your remorse - with all those brackets and those short laughs. But i feel that as long as you are remorseful for all those wrongs you've done, you will be forgiven. Everybody bounds to make mistake. It's only if you are willing to learn from the mistakes, you will grow to a better person. Sometimes it's hard for people around you to understand, thats why there are people giving hurtful remarks and avoidance.
    Do not let all these get into you. Hope you'll see your sunshine after the rain soon! Take good care of yourself!

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  5. shadajie....

    i onli wanna tell u these...

    turn back and u will see me..
    search thru ur contacts, and u will eventually find my contact..

    no matter wad happens, wo zhe ge shaxiaomei will always be there for u de le....

    zong you yi tian hui yu guo tian qing...

    with loads of love,
    shaxiaomei

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  6. You're brave to admit what you think you have done wrong.

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  7. chris,

    im not too sure hows your current suitation lately, but i hope everything will turn out fine. Mistakes will be erased, in just a matter of time. but you will learn life lessons with every single mistake. dont worry. i still love you loads. call me anytime.
    misses.

    xoxo

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  8. n e fact tt u din lie/ keep wat u did fr him.. show tt hw impt he was actually to u.. mayb u r jus confused.. n mk e mistk but deeply u actually love him even mre.. but end up nt exactly sure who u luv most afterall bah..
    anyway jus hope things will goes on well for u =) wateva decisions/things u do.. i guess alot ppl will still support u n b dere for u if u ned..

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  9. Well, its gd that u experience this at an early stage of your life, it's never about the age but the things that u have gone through and whether or not u have grow from it.
    No doubt, its sad that u entangle yourself in situation like this, but thankfully u manage to come out of it.
    Just as many above have commented, cherish the one that cherish you. No doubt how true the saying, 男人不坏女人不爱, but there is also 男人不該讓女人流淚.
    Pray for a happy ending for defector and you.

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  10. well.. i went thru the same thing.. but i was on the one of your boyfriend side.. i praise u for being brave.. and i didnt left my other half too.. we are happy together.. but dun repeat the same mistake.. i love my other half..
    we are getting engaged in 2 mths time...

    i hope u will have a happy ending like mine..

    Cheers gerl for being so brave..

    ReplyDelete