mixed feelings

cause I feel lonely.
or rather, empty.


The empty feeling, and the fact that I have nothing much to do, is making me feel like shit lately.


Have you heard of a story.. about a girl whom treats another girl like her own sister but her feelings weren't really reprociated reciprocated. and in the end, she kills the girl? and/or suicides?

sometimes I feel like that. I mean the feel to kill another person. Good that I've not thought of suicides since loving Mike.


I feel that I cannot live without him. Not literally per sae. More like, not a day in my life past by without me thinking of him. I don't' call him that often. somedays only send him 1 sms in the whole day, but I do think of him often. Like before I sleep , or while blogging, or out with friends, even while playing online games.. Miss him, but I do know it's only time (and money & some other nifty gritties) that's keeping us busy apart. Can't wait for the day that I can finally call him my husband, the father of my children, my man.

Honestly. what's boyfriends and girlfriends. Just a 5 letter, B word and it's gone. Husbands and wives at least need to go through a longer D word.. bah~ I don't' know what I'm talking about already.. It's 4.50am, I'm typing away at my old comp cause I can't sleep!



anyway, that's not my main topic lah. I was saying.. I feel that my feelings aren't really reprociated reciprocate. and I am feeling shitty because of that.

We can be friends, but we'll never be as close as I thought we could be, sister. I understand that I might have disappoint her a couple of times, but today, I'll have to say it out loud, I CANNOT STAND BEING JUST A SMALL FLY OR SUSITUDE.

Of coz, you can say I cannot expect her to reprociate reciprocate my feelings as sisters (because feelings are not like physical things that can be given to anyone), but I honestly cannot cannot cannot stand being a SUSITUDE! Same with everything else. I hate to be substitutes for anyone. I hate being reserve. I hate being the one who's back up. but then again.. Who am I ague? I am not good enough to be in anyone's "BEST FRIENDS" list. I'm always too "serious" or not fun to be with or too crazy and I HAVE AP (Attitude Problem). GAH~ at 5.13am I really must control myself. I still have to take a nap before going out later... so.. I must end here already before I get too "high" and cannot fall asleep..


Who understands.
whatever.. Ciaos~